


Better than lonely

by Frenchibi



Series: Oikawa Week 2016 [4]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, College AU, Day 6, Established Relationship, I'm sorry for this, M/M, Oikawa Week 2016, Oikawa plays for the National Team, prompt: dreams, there will be a happy ending though I promise
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-19
Updated: 2016-10-03
Packaged: 2018-07-25 12:27:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7532782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Frenchibi/pseuds/Frenchibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I love you, but I... I have to go."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Torn

**Author's Note:**

> Oikawa Week, Day 6: Dreams | ~~Hobbies~~ | ~~Gold (Success/Triumph)~~
> 
> Yeah, this is Day 6. What happened to Day 5? I skipped it. But I will be going back. It's coming.
> 
> Also I really am, from the bottom of my heart, sorry that this is a WIP. I wanted this done today, but then I ended up at my doctor's with an allergic-overreaction-situation going on and I couldn't get it finished.
> 
> I promise you, I will finish all my WIPs as soon as I can - I am literally swamped at the moment, I have a concert to perform tomorrow and the first of my finals on Friday, and now this goddamn allergy thing. But I swear I'm working on everything.
> 
> Thank you, as always for your patience with me. I'm trying.

"For you, a thousand times over."  
(Khaled Hosseini, _Kite Runner_ )

~~~

The sight that greets him when he comes home makes his blood run cold.

Hajime is standing in the doorway, carrying two large duffel bags, and is wearing an uncomfortable expression that makes Tooru tense up with dread.

"Ha...jime?" he asks. "Wh... What's going on?"

But he fears he already knows.

"Tooru," Hajime says. They stare at each other in silence for a moment, but then Hajime sighs. "...listen, Tooru. Please... don't freak out, okay? Just... just listen."

Tooru nods slowly, fighting the instinct to run because something is very, very wrong. He doesn't want to hear this.

"You... you know that I love you, right?"

Oh, no. _No, no, no._

Hajime can see the fear in his eyes and he holds out his hand, stopping just short of Tooru's. (Like wanting to comfort him is an instinct. Like it moved of its own volition.)

"To. Listen. I know you don't want to hear this, but... that doesn't make it less true."

He swallows against a lump in his throat, and Tooru almost chuckles bitterly. At least he's feeling something. He's struggling.

"I love you, but I... I have to go."

"...go where?" Tooru asks, his mouth dry. _No, no, no._

Hajime shrugs a little. "Anywhere. Away... away from here. Away from... you. For a while."

And there it is. Tooru was afraid his world would shatter - but now that the moment is here, it's a lot more subtle than that. It's his heart breaking in small, innocent moments. The sound of Hajime's voice, quiet but determined. The pain in his eyes. Tooru's own fear. It's precisely aimed needle-pricks that send cracks tearing across his heart.

"...why?" he manages, but his voice is tiny, scared.

"... I just... I need some space. To figure things out. This. Us."

Tooru feels his lip tremble. "But - we can do that together, we can-"

"You're never here," Hajime blurts, and Tooru stares in shock, because that-

"...I wanted us to figure this out together, but... honestly, right now I think... I think I'd rather be alone than with someone who makes me feel lonely."

He can't hold Tooru's gaze after saying this, leaving Tooru ripped raw and open, feeling utterly crushed.

"...is... is that really what I make you feel...?" he asks softly. "Iwa-chan... if you had just said something - I'll quit the team, I'll-"

"No!" Hajime interrupts, looking shocked. "Tooru, this is your dream! We knew it'd be tough, I'd never ask you to abandon it for me-"

"Then why are you making me choose?" Tooru interrupts, as furious tears start trickling down his face.

"I'm not," Hajime says, trying to stay calm. "I'm not, because I know what you'd choose."

"...you," Tooru whispers, "You, you, a thousand times over-"

"I know!" And the pain in Hajime's expression is enough to make Tooru's breath hitch in his throat. "But - that's exactly why I have to leave. I'm selfish, I want you all to myself and if I ask, I know you'll throw away everything for me. So I can't. This is too big, and you're so close - I just can't figure out who I am, and what _I_ want to do. I'm not like you, I don't have a dream like that-"

"My dream is nothing without you!" Tooru almost-yells in frustration. "Hajime - please don't do this - I need you, if you leave me, I- I'm nothing, I'm empty without you - the home I come back to isn't a home if you're not in it! Please, please, Hajime-"

Hajime is shaking his head. "It doesn't have to be forever, To. I'm... I'm not asking you to wait, because I don't know if- when I'll come back, but-"

"No," Tooru breathes, "no, no, no-"

But Hajime is already walking past him to the door.

"Don't... make this more difficult, I need you to understand that this isn't your fault, but... I'm always gonna hold you back, and I wanna see you soar. You can't do that with me."

"Iwa- no, no, wait - Hajime, please, don't leave me, don't-"

Hajime has his hand on the door - and it's like the next seconds pass in slow-motion before Tooru's eyes. The door opens, and it catches on the exact spot it always does, scraping over a dent in the floorboards. Hajime's hand jerks a little, pulling it all the way open in a movement that's so routine, subconscious even-

Tooru doesn't know if he notices, and if he does, he doesn't say it. But to Tooru, that small movement is everything. Every time Hajime has opened that door, with a smile or a frown on his face, waving goodbye over his shoulder or yelling at Tooru to _shut up, Shittykawa_. It's memories. It's their life here, together.

It's breaking.

Hajime looks to the floor, then up at Tooru again, and even though Tooru knows he's trying, he's trying so hard not to cry because he probably thinks it'd be _cruel_ \- he can't stop the tears anymore. Not now.

"I'm sorry, Tooru. I hope... I hope I'll get to see you reach the top."

And it's Hajime's smile - the honesty of it, the way it echoes the smiles Tooru used to throw around at everyone, blinding, tragic, _fake_ and filled with pain - it's that smile that breaks him.

The door closes, but Tooru's eyes see nothing. He sinks to his knees on the hard, cold floor, tears streaming down his face, but not a sound leaves his lips.

And for the first time in his life, he truly is alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> If you haven't read _Kite Runner_ , know that it's one of my favorite books and it will _rip out your heart_. I quoted it up there because it inspired one of Tooru's lines (if it wasn't obvious).
> 
>  
> 
> [tumblr](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com)


	2. Stitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The girls in the stands start waving enthusiastically, but he doesn't even see them. His eyes are searching (he swears he didn't imagine it, though that's plausible, that'd explain it, but he has to be sure) - and then they stop.  
> It's him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a minute!  
> Sorry it took me so long to get this done, wtf :') I hope you didn't lose interest since I posted the first chapter, and that this conclusion is satisfactory :D
> 
> ...I've been posting a lot again lately, haven't I? ...can you tell I'm approaching a deadline? It's _procrastination station_ over here!!! ( ~~help me~~ )

There's no late-night phonecalls, no drunk tears, no begging him to come back.

On the outside, the first days without Hajime aren't much different, just with his presence cut out, like a gigantic hole in Tooru's chest that's gaping wide and all-consuming, swallowing him from the inside.

Not much has changed - except that everything has.

He's been with Hajime since before he can remember, and he's never gone more than two days without seeing him.

Well. Now it's almost been three weeks - and it hurts, more than he ever thought anything could.

Tooru throws himself into volleyball, because it's the only way he knows he'll survive. He's been giving 110 percent lately, but somehow he manages to crank it up even further after Hajime leaves - after all, there's no one to stop him now. No one who'll call him in the middle of the night and tell him to come home when he loses track of time, no one who takes one look at him when he limps through the front door and says "you're not training tomorrow."

Of course Tooru has his own voice of reason; it's not like he depends solely on Hajime to know when he's overdoing it. But now, he can't seem to care anymore.

He's devoting all of his time to volleyball, except for when he's eating and sleeping, or massaging cramps out of his tired muscles - and the thing is, it's starting to show.

Tooru doesn't notice it himself until he overhears Kuroo and Bokuto talking during a practice match, "I knew he was good but this is just _scary_."

There's a second where his chest swells with pride- and then it's sucked away almost instantly by the gigantic hole that swallows everything these days, the absence of Hajime which he feels like it's his new companion. It waits for him after practice, when there's no new messages on his phone, and it waits for him when he unlocks the door to their apartment to find the lights off, the blinds drawn, and dust gathering in the corners.

He swallows against the lump in his throat and stubbornly ignores the burning in his eyes. He knows if he breaks he won't be able to get himself together again - not in time for their first actual match. And what's the point if he fails now? Then everything, everything, every late night and every time he unknowingly broke Hajime's heart was for nothing. He's so close.

He knew he'd be nervous, expected to be excited, ecstatic even - but even though he's almost there, he somehow feels like he's never been further away from his dream.

~~~

It's the final set.

It's the most intense and challenging game Tooru has ever played, but his training has paid off. They're in synch, their attacks are going through, their receives are solid - and they're practically even matched with the opposing team.

Five sets are tough, but instead of feeling exhausted, Tooru is strangely calm. He feels every muscle in his body - but he also knows that he can still keep going. He knows that if he plays this right, they can win.

11-11.

It's Kuroo's serve, and he grins over at the other team from under his ridiculous hair right before he jumps.

The ball grazes the top of the net (Kuroo curses softly) and is easily received by the opposing libero, who sends it neatly over to their setter. Three spikers move at once, and Tooru wills himself to concentrate. The setter's form is good, but he's getting tired, too-

"Left!" Tooru calls, and their libero reacts just a second too late. The ball smacks down just centimeters from the boundary line, and there's a collective moan from their side of the stands while the other side cheers.

12-11.

Tooru exhales, willing himself to be calm. "Don't mind," he says, and he's echoed by the others.

"We'll get the next one!"

"C'mon, guys, we can win this!"

The rotation has Tooru in the back row, not exactly the best position to start from - depending, of course, on where the other team aims their serve. He gets in position, watching the ball and tuning out everything else.

The whistle blows, and the balls comes straight towards Bokuto. Tooru is pretty sure he hears him huff out a laugh, and he calls: "Got it!"

Tooru tears his eyes from the ball - he's got this, he's got this - and focuses on crossing to the front of the court, getting in position-

His eyes scan the other side for openings, opportunities, trusting his team members to get in position accordingly. Bokuto receives, and sends the ball straight to him-

An opening-

Tooru jumps, form impeccable, and sees the other team's players react, rushing to cover his spikers - falling straight for his trap.

At the last second, he retracts his right hand, and cleanly dumps the ball straight down on the other side of the court with his left.

The other libero reacts, but this time he's too slow, and the sound of the ball slamming into the ground echoes through the gym, followed by a loud chorus of cheers.

Tooru allows himself a tiny grin when he sees the libero looking up at him from the floor, but then he turns away.

12-12. It's his serve.

Three points is all it would take.

 

He is ready to serve, twirling the ball in his hands, when he hears it.

It's a cheer like any other, really, and he doesn't usually pay attention to them, but-

"Give 'em hell, Tooru!"

That voice, it can't be, it _can't-_

And he does what they are strictly told not to - he looks out at the crowd.

The girls in the stands start waving enthusiastically, but he doesn't even see them. His eyes are searching (he swears he didn't imagine it, though that's plausible, that'd explain it, but he has to be sure) - and then they stop.

It's him.

Hajime holds his gaze, even from so far away, and gives him a nod and the hint of a smile.

It's enough.

Tooru feels his chest swell because he's here, _he's here_ , he's watching, and for the first time in weeks, he feels invincible.

His attention snaps back to the court, and on the referee's whistle he tosses the ball into the air.

Perfect.

He steps back, accelerates and launches himself upwards, palm connecting just where he wants it to - and the ball slams down on the opposite court before anyone can react. Service Ace. 13-11.

The crowd cheers, and Tooru allows himself a small, satisfied smile. He feels Hajime's eyes burning into him like fire, and shoots another glance up to the stands. His former ace is grinning. _I knew you could do it_ , is what Tooru hears.

He realizes that the pain, and the loneliness and fear all seem less horrid now that Hajime is here. His presence alone is enough to chase away Tooru's demons swiftly and immediately, like he always has. Tooru knows he's so, so much stronger when Hajime is there.

He picks up the ball again and repeats the procedure. The other team's libero jumps for the ball, but he's way too late. Tooru's confidence grows when he hears Hajime's voice among the others, cheering. 14-11. One more point.

Tooru catches Hajime's gaze one more time, and he mouths: "for you."

A couple of girls in Hajime's vicinity squeal - but Tooru knows that Hajime has heard him loud and clear.

He tosses the ball up with incredible precision, and slams it down a third time. There's a brief silence, a tension, and then the whistle blows and the crowd explodes into cheers.

15-11.

They've won.

Tooru's teammates crowd around him, but his eyes dart upwards and all he sees is Hajime, smiling down at him, face flushed from cheering. He thinks he catches something like pride in his eyes, and his insides clench so tightly it almost hurts.

They bow and shake the other team's hands under the net, and Hajime turns away - towards the stairs, the exit. Tooru wants to call after him, but he decides running is the better option.

He detaches himself from the others, no doubt earning a few confused glances at his back, and exits the gym. He weaves his way through the people pushing for the doors as quickly as he can, eyes searching frantically. Someone recognizes him and exclaims in surprise, but Tooru is already pushing past-

He wouldn't just leave, right? He'd wait-

There's more and more people filling the hallways, but he's on the wrong side of the building, he has to get to where Hajime is, has to catch him before he disappears out of his life again-

He darts around a large bulk of people holding a banner, dodges a woman carrying a small child, and then-

"Tooru!"

He whips around so fast he almost loses his balance, but it honestly doesn't matter because _it's him_ , there he is, standing by the stairs. Hajime.

Tooru skids to a stop in front of him, eyes wide.

"Hajime," he says, breathless. "You came."

"Of course I did," he replies, shoving his hands in the pockets of his sweater. It's the soft dark blue one that Tooru used to borrow every so often, and Tooru's eyes catch on it almost involuntarily. "I promised, didn't I?"

Tooru blinks. "I didn't think that promise was still..."

There are people pushing past them, and Hajime pulls him aside, out of the way, giving him a small smile. "You were brilliant out there, as always."

There's a brief silence, then he adds: "...you look good. Happy."

But his smile feels forced now.

"Because you're here," Tooru says immediately. "You came. Even though... I thought you wouldn't."

Hajime lets out a soft sigh, eyes scanning his face. And then, as if he can't help it, he breathes: "...God, I've missed you."

Tooru's heart flips in his chest.

"...what?" he whispers.

"I missed you. When I left, I... I made the biggest mistake of my-"

But he doesn't get to finish that sentence, because Tooru surges forward and presses their lips together.

Hajime staggers back a little, hands moving up to grip Tooru's shoulders - to push him away, Tooru thinks, in a terrible, gut-wrenching moment of fear, but then he pulls instead, drawing him in. Tears prickle against Tooru's eyelids, and this time he doesn't stop them. He couldn't.

They break apart with a gasp, and Tooru is crying, gasping into sobs.

"Hajime," he breathes, "Hajime, Hajime- come home-"

And there are arms around him, strong and warm and familiar, and he lets go.

"H-Hajime, Hajime-"

His body sags, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter because Hajime is here and he'd never let him fall.

"Tooru," Hajime whispers, and Tooru's breath hitches. He's everything Tooru could want, and if he's giving him this, if he says they're okay, then Tooru will take it, no questions asked. Because in _no way_ is being alone ever better than being with the man he's loved since before he can remember. And he knows he's going to do everything to prove to Hajime that he's worth coming back to.

"C-come home, come back to me-"

"Forgive me," Hajime says, "I lost sight of what I had, I got too close, I- I'm so sorry, To, can you forgive me? I never wanted- I've never... I couldn't want anyone, anything but you. No matter how hard it gets, or how long we're apart-"

Tooru shakes his head, blinking at him through his tears. "No, you were right, you were right about everything - I was being unfair and I was never home, I couldn't see you drifting away-"

Hajime shuts him up with another kiss, and when he pulls away, Tooru sees that he's crying, too. He huffs out a half-laugh, tightening his grip on Hajime's arms.

"Tooru, I'm so sorry," Hajime says again, "I'm so, so sorry. I hurt you, and I won't forgive myself for it. I'll do everything I can to make it up to you, I swear."

Somehow, this hits Tooru harder than anything else that has happened, and he errupts into a fresh wave of tears.

"I'd do anything for you, you- you know I would," he gasps, "anything to make you s-stay. Anything. A-Anything."

"Forgive me," Hajime says, and his voice breaks a little. It makes Tooru's heart clench and his stomach twist. "Oh, love, forgive me, please- I've never been more wrong-"

"I forgave you the second I heard your voice out there," Tooru whispers. "There's nothing to forgive. You're here now. Come home."

Hajime tightens his grip, pulling Tooru to his chest and burying his face in his hair.

"Okay," he says. "Okay."

And then he presses a kiss to Tooru's forehead, quietly adding: "I'm yours."

Tooru aches to be closer, to draw him in, to never let go. He knows that there's a time and a place for that, and it's not now, not here, but he's so filled with relief that he couldn't care less. He tugs at Hajime's shirt and presses tiny kisses to his neck, breathing him in, raw and desperate and _wanting_.

Hajime lets out a shuddering sigh, sagging against him as his knees start to give way. He somehow manage to steer them until there's a solid surface against Tooru's back - one of the pillars, or maybe a wall, it really doesn't matter - it's keeping them both upright as their mouths collide again.

Hajime is quiet, save for the heavy breaths he draws, but Tooru can't stop the tiny, relieved sounds that escape him, little gasps and sobs and whispers of "Hajime, Hajime."

Hajime pulls back a little and Tooru chases his lips, not ready to let go, never ready to-

"I know," Hajime whispers, "I know, Tooru, I know, but we gotta go-"

His first instinct is to protest, to tell him it doesn't _matter_ , nothing matters except them, and that they're together again, but the sound is slowly coming back to his ears and he realizes where they are, that they're surrounded by people and some of them have their phones out-

"Okay," he gasps, "okay, okay, I gotta-"

Words don't seem to really work, but Hajime understands. He grabs Tooru's hand and pulls him away, pushing past the crowd and back to the closed-off area where the changing rooms are. He knows he's not allowed in, so he stops and tugs on Tooru's arm, turning around so he can kiss him one more time before he lets go.

"I'll wait outside," he says, gives him a smile, and then he's gone.

Tooru can hear a bunch of people yelling his name, but he doesn't turn back. Instead he drags his arm across his face (as if that would help with the tears at this point - there's no way he'll get past the team unnoticed) and heads into the changing room.

It doesn't matter if they see. Hajime is here, and he's coming home. He's coming _home_.

They'll have to talk about this at some point, sort things out, but for now that's not something Tooru is worried about. As long as they're together-

Hell, he can do anything with Hajime by his side.

~~~

It takes him a little longer than he wants to get back outside, because he gets cornered by the others after his shower and hailed as the hero of the match - and then the coach shows up and goes over the match with them again and tells them they'll have a detailed discussion once they get back to their own gym. When Tooru asks to leave early, he's not particularly happy about it, but Tooru promises to work twice as hard from now on, and he's suddenly backed by a bunch of his teammates who would also like to go - in the end they postpone the meeting to the following morning, and Tooru's heart is beating loudly in his ears by the time they're finally allowed to go home.

The gym is deserted now, and practically everyone has gone home. Tooru's breaths stutter a little when he doesn't spot Hajime immediately, and he's flooded with doubts, _what if he's gone_ , what if-

"Tooru!"

And there it is, that voice, and just hearing his name instantly washes away everything else. He turns to see Hajime leaning against the fence that lines the entrance area, and a smile tears across his face.

"Iwa-chan!" he calls happily, detaching himself from the group with a wave and then bounding over to him. He barely feels the weight of his bag or the heaviness of his tired limbs when those arms close around him and he gets to bury his face in Hajime's chest. Hajime takes over all his senses, his scent overwhelmingly familiar and comforting, the beating of his heart loud in Tooru's ears, his toned arms tightening and pulling him close-

"Hey there," Hajime says, and he can't keep the bemused tone out of his voice.

"Hey," Tooru says breathlessly, squeezing him.

"...ready to go home?"

Tooru detaches himself so he can smile up at Hajime, his eyes full of adoration. He leans in and brings their lips together, and Hajime makes a small, happy sound.

"So ready," Tooru murmurs against his lips. "So, so ready. Let's go home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always I'd love to hear what you think - and feel free to hmu on [tumblr](http://frenchibi.tumblr.com), if you reblog my fics there I'll throw a party :'D (...and I always love to talk!)


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